Going back to full time work after a 1-year Maternity leave wasn’t easy. For me it was similar to adjusting to life with a newborn baby, at times it felt foreign, overwhelming and frustrating. I was dealing with a lot of anxiety and a lot of self doubt. I didn’t feel as confident in myself as I did when I left. I felt like I was re-learning everything, or doing things for the first time. Even sitting down at a desk and working on a computer for long periods of time, using a mouse, felt new to me.
It just felt weird.
I missed being at home and thought of Mikayla often. I missed her a lot. My boss asked me how I was doing and I cried. I didn’t want to cry but thankfully he understood. The last few months of my mat leave felt like a vacation. Mikayla was in a routine, napping for an hour and going to bed the same time every night and sleeping through the night. It was also Summer, so we were outside every day. We lived by the beach so we spent a lot of time by the water. It was hard to leave that schedule and move to one where every morning was a bit of a rush, getting myself ready, Mikayla ready, and everyone (including our dog Zoey) out the door and in the car to get to Lola’s house so I could get to work on time. Rush, rush rush! Go, go, go!!
The days went by so quickly and Mikayla was growing, learning and doing something new every day. It was tough to be away. But as time went by, we all got more organized, we got used to the new routine and we were better at our new schedule. Life at work was getting better too. I felt a little more confident and felt better about where I “fit in” at work. Also, talking to adults for long periods of time about PROFESSIONAL things not how tired I was feeling, or naps, poop or milk! That’s an adjustment in itself.
I came back to the same position I had (Digital Content Producer), but working in the media industry, so many things changed while I was away. People left, new people got hired and there were new goals, new strategies and new procedures. I had to learn and relearn a lot of things when I got back, so it was like starting a new job all over again.
I found that taking control of my workload, being a leader and just taking the lead and getting my tasks done helped me re-gain my confidence. If I made mistakes, I owned them. But being consistent in the delivery of my work helped me gain that confidence. If I didn’t know how to do something, I figured out how to do it. YOUTUBE is so fun and helped re-inspire me. I think that’s what I was missing when I first started working again. I was missing that thing that fired me up and made me love Radio, love media and love creating things. I watched a lot of YouTube and learned how to edit videos on Premier, I played with the manual settings on my camera more and watched videos on creating better video content. Video had become such a huge part of my job when I came back, whereas video wasn’t apart of my job at all before my Mat leave. Learning new things, making the time to connect with people in my industry AND surrounding myself with people who are better at these things than me, and who motivated me to be better and helped me learn, helped me get rid of the self doubt.
Also taking the time to get to know my co-workers outside of work, and building those relationships helped. Allowing those people into my life and getting to know who I am and letting me, be me again helped a lot. I started to feel inspired and excited again.
I still doubt myself. All the time! There were so many days where I wanted to quit and just go back to being the stay-at-home Mom I was when I was on Mat leave. I was comfortable there! The voice in my head saying “I don’t know how” or “you can’t do that” was so much louder as a Mom than it had ever been. That voice is mostly saying you’re not as good as you were before, you’re not as fun as you were before, you’re body isn’t as bangin’ as it was before (haha!!). All of those things, all of those hurtful words were just in my head. No one was actually saying that to my face.
I have a quote written in a book I was gifted when I graduated high school it says…
Our deepest fear is not that we are weak. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world … As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. – Marianne Williamson
Do the best you can and be a light. People will remember you not for what you do, but for how you make them feel.
Mind the stray hair… Just keepin’ it real over here!
Amanda is wearing: Top: Lucky | Bottoms: Aritzia | Shoes: Old Navy
Amanda is a writer, photographer, videographer and a content creator with a passion for sharing stories. With her family of 5, they share experiences, tips and ideas that empower Moms to make memories with their families right here in British Columbia.
So much love for such a raw side of you! It makes me admire you and your endeavors even more 🙂 keep on fighting the good fight!